By Pearl
1. FAMILY
Family may play a huge role in your life and when getting into a relationship, it may be difficult to balance the roles of being someone’s partner, in addition to someone’s son-in-law or daughter-in-law, etc. especially if there is a lot of familial baggage and triggers from past ruptures. Either way, it’s important to discuss with your partner what your family means to you and the roles that they may or may not play in your life. If you have had past issues with family, it’s important to share with your partner as the year goes by into your relationship, so your partner can respect and understand your sensitivities.
2. MONEY
It is equally important to understand each other’s money management, as well as each other’s expectations for shared expenses and future planning. You don’t need to share each other’s bank statements, but after a year of dating, it would be ideal to discuss yearly income and individual debt. It’s also important to discuss ways in which you can support each other’s lifestyle financially as a couple.
3. CHILDREN
This conversation will likely include whether or not you already have children, if you want children and how many, and what “ideal” family life looks like to you.
There is room here to fluctuate and change your minds. While life usually doesn't go according to plan, it is usually helpful to discuss the future and the potential desire to want to grow your family. It’s vital to talk about your fears and excitements around wanting (or not wanting) children. How do you ideally see your “family life,” even if that means you only envision having two cats. It may also be good to discuss adoption to identify where the two of you stand on different approaches.
4. YOUR DEFINITION OF COMMITMENT
It may seem silly to do this, as two people who have agreed to be in a relationship are committed, right? However, you may be surprised when you fast forward to 1.5 years of dating and one person expects a proposal, while the other one feels fully committed (and content) with just dating.
One person may feel the ultimate level of commitment is changing their Facebook status, while the other may not feel they are committed until there are legal documents involved. It is important to address how you view commitment and what it means to you. Discuss whether or not particular stages such as living together, engagement, and marriage are important to you and why.
5. SEX AND PHYSICAL AFFECTION
Do not assume that your partner shows physical affection in the same way you do. Everybody is different and sex in a relationship is extremely complex at times. Within a year of the relationship, most couples do not report having a high concern with sex because their relationship is still fairly new.
However, it may be important to talk about expectations around sex as your relationship grows. A good question to ask is, “What does your ideal sex life look like in a long-term relationship?” or “Do you think one of us initiates sex more than the other? Are you comfortable with this?” Talk about ways you feel connected and how physical touch may play a role in that.
6. PERSONAL GOALS
A lot of couples say initially, “we are just going with the flow,” then six months later are upset and concerned that they feel out of sync. Talk about the things that are important to you and the things you’re personally working towards so that you know both parties are on the same page. Your partner needs to understand what you are working towards so they can support you, not resent you!
7. EXPECTATION
Many couples don’t discuss their idea of balance and shared roles in the partnership until they are arguing about not feeling “supported.” They assume the other person has the same idea of balance/expectations and with these assumptions, conflict and hurt feelings tend to arise. You must talk about how you envision an equal partnership, or what that even means to you. Do you have a more “traditional” view of who takes care of what? Are you in a same-sex partnership where the “traditional” standards aren’t as defined? Talk about it!
Relationships are beautiful and difficult and can get a little complicated. But having the hard conversations early on will help keep you and yours on the right track. If you only hold on to one thing from this article, let it be: “Ask why!” Because understanding the reason behind someone’s decision or viewpoint could make a world of difference.
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